20 December 2025
Tumble weeds blowing by, it really is dry. That taste on my gums as tongue runs across lumpy teeth reminds me of falling over in sand with mouth open. Gritty.
Well, best be off. Nod my head at a stranger near the door as they enter, “dingle dingle” door bells chime. Dingle fucking dingle. Wryness pulls the muscles in my face on one side, around the mouth and eye.
Turning an eye to the counter and the portly person blinks at me blankly while I make hand motions gesturing and hoping that I can pay without having to say anything.
“Three eighty six”.
Card in my hard on the machine “meepboop”s and I hardly wait to see affirmation of the transaction before whisking my coat around with an elbow and head down pacing from the stuffy cafe.
It’s a short walk outside and I don my cap, tucking the edges around my ears and toughing out a careless tumble weed’s interception of my body. Wind daren’t touch me, it bloweth around. If that weed steps to me again I’ll burn them all.
It’s only a 5 minute walk home and by the time I get there, I’ll have to let this attitude go. I’d like to remind myself, it’s not welcome in a stately home. Drop the ego, focus on the family, that’s my motto.
“Hello dear”, toe of my shoe over the lip of the doorway, duck my head, remove my cap to not offend god, so on and so forth. Kiss him to show good affect. We’re all happy here. The rules abided.
“How’s your morning been?” Sweet smile and a tense gaze to show genuine interest. But what’s the point. If nothing is natural by now then this isn’t going to get easier.
“Radiant, like you”.
Oh here he goes, trying to show he loves me more than him.
——
Empty bed again this morning. Waking up feels easy and as I haunch over the edge of the bed in a bid to stretch the tired aches from my back, I wonder what today will be like. What is in store for me? This guy. Standing naked at the side of the bed, looking in the mirror in my eyes. I wonder what he’s thinking. Well I guess he’s thinking what I’m thinking. Which isn’t very much. Tearing my eyes away and severing that brief and deep connection, the day begins.
Coffee from the machine drips and then starts to spray like a clogged pipe into my cup. Mmm delicious bitter juice from Ethiopia. I can’t tell the difference between different origins, but it’s good to practise gratitude. Ever since I’ve been practising this particular gratitude, Ethiopian beans roasted who knows where has never jolted me enough to rethink my position. I wonder, is that how all opinions are formed? Probably…?
I’ve decided, I shan’t dare to think about it.
Sipping at the gentle warmth, there’s a caressing nature to the morning. A bird sings in the distance, a murmuring of the natural order that’s kept life in perpetuity for millions of years. What glory it is to be akin to such beauty. I guess I don’t know what kind of bird it is. I feel a pang of guilt that I can recall every brand and variety of sugar down at the store. I guess then if I respected or loved birds more I’d know, and a better person than me would know, of course because a good person respects every beast of nature they hold proximity to. I know that from the bible. They didn’t say it explicitly, but it was came across strongly in the subtext.
Mandy will be home soon, I’d best make the house stately so we can be about our day off happily. Now I know our brains are built differently, but it doesn’t take much empathy to realise that a stressful environment isn’t a catalyst for a nice time. Most frequently it’s quite the opposite of a catalyst for a bad time. Bag of bin things in the bigger bin, cloth across the bench, shoes moved so they’re grouped together beside the door all orderly like. I feel a pleasant settling in my mind, as if the volatility of this empty house has been reduced.
Letting out a big breath… WHHOOOOOOSH.
Shhhhhh the echo of the house calls back to me. Stretching hands high, on tippy toes, and my body and mind feels at an equilibrium, no pains or aches. Here comes Mandy now, down the driveway, to me. Arms and heart open.
“Hello dear” I say. She looks lovely in the reddish morning haze, her hair illuminated to a golden meant for churches stained glass windows. A big smile comes to my face and I lean in to give a welcome kiss.
“How’s your morning been?” She asks. As she asks and enters our happy abode. Though I can find not find her eyes, which I can’t help but believe is due to her efforts. It is likely this bodes poorly. Tension can make me act out of sorts, I need to make a good show here. Don’t fuck this up.
“Glorious, like you”.
